Author: halmartin

 

Accepting your history need not be your destiny.

                                                                 Joseph Palmar

 

Decluttering our lives

Seasoned travelers learn to travel light. The more baggage they carry, the more work that is required, and the less the enjoyment of the adventure. And so it is with life.

Yet, excess baggage accumulates. It accumulates in our physical lives, and it accumulates in our emotional lives which in turn contributes to mental stress.

Continuously accumulating baggage doesn’t work well in either the physical or the emotional realms of our lives. At some point, we need to say “enough” to accumulating more and “enough” to continuing to carry what is burdening us.

Creating space in our lives means selectively letting go. Have you kept a sweater that you have never worn? Have you kept your old dressing gown even though you were given a lovely new one for Christmas? Have you acquired a new set of dishes but not parted with the set that has 2 plates and 3 saucers missing?

The web offers some decluttering tips and sites.

Spring Cleaning

Our grandmothers held annual spring cleaning.

Items that were still useful but not needed were passed on. This required letting go of  sayings like “someday I might use that,” or “someday I might be that size again”.

Jamming our closet full actually has the affect of making our world less spacious.

It is useful to spring clean our inner lives as well. It may be as small as parting with birthday cards from people we hardly recall. In other cases, it may be letting go of a long held resentment or fear or revisiting a belief that has become dysfunctional.

Over time, we  clutter our lives with thoughts and feelings that weight us down – that interfere with the adventure of life. We become burdened with emotional and mental baggage that interferes with creativity and productivity. Eventually, we become so burdened that our vision of the future is obstructed and our energy is depleted.

Emotional baggage can often be thought of as “unfinished business”. For some reason, we hang on to the emotional component of events and relationships that are long since over. Yet, for us, they are not finished. We are still wanting someone to say “I am sorry”. We are still looking for recognition from a parent who is gone or absent. We continue nurturing a wound that won’t heal because we keep opening it.

Effortless decluttering

Sometimes dealing with the clutter of our lives means simply letting go of the item, thought, or feeling. At other times, what is required to is to deal with the unfinished business. Letting go does not mean you have to deal with something. Sometimes, you can just let it go.

Deciding to let go

When feelings and thoughts weight us down, it is time to consider letting go. The issues could be large or small, related to relationships or material things, social media that has gotten out of control, or a career direction that is no longer viable.

When new circumstances enter our lives, letting go may require adopting a new reality, whether permanent or temporary. For example, when illness interrupts our lives, it is important to stop expecting life to be normal.  During Covid 19, we all experienced the need to adapt to new demands and restrictions. Being able to see the pandemic as a unique, time-limited period was key to letting go of expectations.

Making space

Just as decluttering your material goods gives you physical space, dealing with emotional issues gives you emotional and mental space. There is more room for joy, kindness, playfulness, creativity, and productivity. You literally feel lighter, your stress is reduced, and your focus is sharpened. There is new found energy available for your personal goals. You free  yourself from responsibility that was misplaced.

What should go?

• Are you hanging on to a relationship that has actually ended? The other person may have moved on.
• Are you regretting a mistake you made years ago?
• Has guilt or inadequacy become part of your excess baggage?
• Are you harboring resentment about events long since past?
• Are you carrying confusion around because you have not clarified what‘s important?
• Do you keep overextending yourself to accomplish tasks that are questionable in terms of their importance?
• Are you still involved in a friendship that is essentially toxic, but you hesitate to end it?

Why hang on?

• Hanging on to an unhealthy relationship will not get it back.
• Hanging on to resentment will not bring an apology.
• Hanging on to guilt will simply delay forgiving yourself.
• Hanging on to fear will not make you more brave.
• Hanging on to the need to be perfect will not make you flawless.
• Hanging on to a sense of unfairness does not correct an injustice.
• Hanging on to an unsubstantiated belief doesn’t make it correct.

The list goes on. We hang on because we feel pressure to comply with certain social expectations. We hang on with the hope of revenge. We want to punish someone, perhaps even accuse them over and over of betraying us. We have all met the divorcee who is still badmouthing their former spouse a decade later. In other instances, we carry the excess baggage thinking that, in some way, it protects us.

There is no one answer to why we hang on to what we do. We may hang on to different things for different reasons. The essence of why we hang on maybe to avoid personal responsibility. Blaming external circumstances, or may be the system provides us with the reason for our unhappiness or failure. The sense of being a victim frequently hides behind unfinished business.

How to get started

Lightening your load starts with naming the excess baggage and the unfinished business you have. What is weighing you down? What are you struggling to let go of?

Remember, not all unfinished business has to be finished. Sometimes you can just decide to let it go. Sometimes, it can be as simple as saying, “I am done with that.”

Here is where writing can be helpful

• Sitting in the silence of your own presence with oversized index cards, name the extra luggage you are carrying. Put only one name/label at the top of each card.
• Sort the labels into two piles: things I am willing to let go of (even if you don’t yet know how) and things I am not ready to let go of.
• Write the story of each unfinished business or excess baggage below the name. Deena Metzger in Writing for your life suggests writing the story in five sentences.
• On the back of the card, explore your understanding of how this event or relationship became heavy and why you have continued to carry it around.
• Consider the implications of letting it go.

Recommended readings

Think again: The power of knowing what you don’t know by Adam Grant is an encouraging read. Be ready to learn to question your opinions about people and ideas. Well known Brene Brown in her review of Think again  says, “Adam Grant weaves together research and storytelling to help us build the intellectual and emotional muscle we need … to change.”

Five things we cannot change: And the happiness we find by embracing them by David Richo. A seasoned therapist, the author offers the perspective that there are certain facts that we cannot change – the unavoidable “givens” of human existence: everything changes and ends; things do not always go according to plan; life is not always fair; pain is part of life, and people are not loving and loyal all the time. By letting go of our resistance to these givens, life gets lighter. Richo blends western psychology with Eastern spirituality and provide practical exercises.

Research

Opening up by writing it down (Third Edition): How expressive writing improves health and eases emotional pain, by James Pennebaker and Joshua Smyth, leading experts in the field of therapeutic writing, describe how taking just a few minutes to write about deeply felt personal experiences or problems may help you. They incorporate findings from hundreds of recent studies that document extensive new information on specific health benefits.

Writing Strategy of the Month (June 2021):

June 2021 newsletter uses the metaphor of a traveler overloaded with excess baggage.

Metaphor

A metaphor compares one thing to another in a figurative sense. By using a metaphor, we bypass logic. We can describe an aspect of life by comparing it to something actually unrelated, but that projects a particular quality. A metaphor conjures up a simple image.

For example:

• My test was a breeze.
• He is as strong as an ox.
• She is behaving like an entitled princess.
• My upbringing was a nightmare.
• Their life is a bed of roses.

When you think of your life, what metaphor would describe the life you’re leading?

Once you have chosen a metaphor, expand the metaphor by personalizing it. Example: My life is like a roller derby. Everyone else seems so aggressive. I just keep going round and round. I feel the pressure to win. In order to continue, I intend to …. 

Photo Question of the month

What shall I let go?

Please begin your writing with, “I am letting go of [something on your list],

to make space for [something new that you want to be doing]”.

 

Commitment and practice are powerful partners.

                                                       Sarah Jane Pennington

 

The importance of practicing

How does a potter craft a perfectly balanced vase? She practices.

How do you become an accomplished musician? You practice.

How do you become proficient in a sport? You practice.

How do you become adept at a task? You practice.

How do you sustain healthy teeth and gums? You brush every day.

How do you master all of the Tai Chi sequence? You practice.

How do you nurture mental health every day? You practice.

How do you become a reflective person? You practice.

Have you something that you would like to do better than you presently do? Is it mastering something physical? Is it developing emotional or social skills that would help you live with less strife? What is a small thing which if you mastered, would add to the quality of your life? What is it that interferes with your ability to enjoy where you are, what you are doing, and who you are with?

 

What is practicing?

Basically, practicing is improving or refining something that is desirable and important to you. We improve our practice in order to improve our results.

All of us are already practicing many different things throughout our days. Some practice humor, some practice competence, some practice kindness, some practice fairness, some practice taking control, some practice strength, and some practice being difficult.

One of the tenants of consistent mental health is “if you want something different in your life, you have to do something different.” That means practicing.

 

Improving your nature

Every day, we encounter evidence of the stress imposed by our complex culture. The impatient driver, the short-tempered colleague, the discouraged student, the dispassionate clerk, the neglectful neighbor. COVID has magnified many of the issues by accelerating constant change, imposing unusual expectations, contributing to isolation, and assigning unexpected consequences in our life over which we have little or no control. Media contributes by selectively focusing on the aberrant.

It is important to remember the courteous driver, the supportive team member, the dedicated student, the compassionate clerk, or the helpful neighbor. It would be easy to forget the many acts of kindness that demonstrate people’s willingness to lend a hand during difficult times.

Practice is often associated with the physical dimension of our lives – learning to swim, learning to drive safely, increasing our ability to do something physical. However, it is equally important to practice behaviors that develop qualities that help us maintain a balanced perspective. With Covid or without Covid, achieving/sustaining a positive sense of well-being takes practice.

It takes practice to develop a commendable character, to become a person whose values are a solid balance of our relationship to the greater good.

Many people are unskilled at even the smallest self-sacrifice. They are accustomed to instant gratification.  Delayed gratification is annoying to them. They want what they want when they want it. A friend recently captured the essence of the consequences of this kind of attitude saying, “The thrust of humanity to live in the kingdom of self has taken its toll and we are all paying the price.”

 

Beginning your practice

Change begins with a decision. Commitment to that decision brings practicing.

Marion Roach Smith in The Memoir Project says that it is never too late or too early to begin. She is referring to writing. In reality, the statement holds true for many aspects of our lives.

If you wanted to change something about the way you live life, what would it be? It needn’t be huge. Do you need more or less structure in your life?  What aspect of your character would you like to further develop? What practice would contribute to your mental well-being?

Sometimes before we can embrace a new practice, we need to relinquish an old practice. What practice might you need to let go of before you can focus consistently on the person you want to become? Do you tend to procrastinate? Do you feel entitled? Do you blame others for how you feel? Do you want to be rescued? Do you avoid asking others for help? Do you have fear or anger as your “go to button”? Do you act before you have thought something through? Do you hold on to resentments?

We don’t learn to swim with one lesson. Similarly, we don’t succeed in our aspirations to live life differently without intentionally setting out to do so. Change takes practice. Practice needn’t feel painful. It can actually feel rewarding in and of itself.

If you practice forgiveness, you become more forgiving. If you practice tolerance, you become more patient. If you practice smiling, you will be more fun. If you practice mindfulness, you will become more calm. If you practice gratitude, you will become more grateful.

Does practice make perfect?  Probably not. Practice is a series of successive approximations. That’s why we need to begin over and over again. Each day, we can start over. Over time, our practice can become our personal way to sustain our mental health.

What is your way of bringing about change. Some people need to follow a recipe. Here is a helpful site on how to develop new habits. Other people do well finding their own way. The way that works for you is the way that works best for you.

Remember, many people find writing helpful.

 

The role of writing

Writing can help us name what we want and therefore what we need to practice. Putting our intention and our progress on paper reminds us that we are in charge of our inner lives even when our lives are affected by factors outside of our control. As we learn to notice the lives that we live, we increasingly understand that our inner life is a continuous statement of what we have been doing.

Just start writing. Write about how and why you want to live life differently. Write about your commitment to purpose-driven-change. Record your progress and your shortfalls.

Matt Lillywhite points out that developing a writing practice itself can change your life.

 

Recommended readings

The Gratitude Diaries

Janice Kaplan, a journalist, makes a New Year’s resolution to be grateful and look on the bright side of whatever happens. She realizes that how she feels over the next twelve months will have less to do with the events that occur than with her own attitude and perspective. Over the year, she consults with psychologists, scholars, teachers, doctors, and philosophers sharing with the reader her witty journey to discover the value of appreciating what you have. Relying on her personal experience of practising gratitude and her research, the author explores how gratitude can transform every aspect of life including marriage, friendship, finances, ambition, and health.

 

Research

Developing and executing rituals is known to effect outcomes. One approach to rituals is to think of them as helping to establish habits. Another is to think of them as helping with a specific issue in your life. In both cases, writing out the ritual is helpful.

 

Writing Strategy of the Month:

        Using ritual to develop a practice: (May 2021)

Testing your resolve

How long does it take to develop a new or release an old habit?

The time that it takes varies. It varies depending on our level of commitment, the practice that you are developing, and the support you have or need. With a “thirty-day challenge”, it is common to successfully establish a new healthy ritual.

However, choose the duration that you prefer, if you differ.

A duration too short will be ineffective; a duration too long will be tedious.

Thirty-day challenge:

• Identify a new practice that you want to develop or an old one you want to release.
• Write out clearly what you will practice each day for 30 days. Keep it simple.
• Include writing about your practice each day.
• Print out a one-month calendar. Each day that you do the ritual, cross off one day.
• At the end of a month, reflect on how your developing practice is progressing.

 

Photo Question of the month

 

Using the above image as a prompt, please write about what you would like to do well on a consistent basis? Then write about how you experience life differently once your practice becomes more consistent.